Prayer

One of the things that has always annoyed me is when someone says, "I'm praying for you." I wonder if the person really is praying for me or if they're just saying that. My mother in law says it all the time and it drives me NUTS!

There was one girl in college whose answer to everything was, "Did you pray about it?" My senior year, I just had enough of that. So in the middle of the dining hall, I stood up and screamed, "I prayed about my paper, but Jesus is not in my room writing it. Sometimes prayer is NOT the answer." I then stormed out. I half expected a standing ovation because I know a lot of people felt the same way, but no one said a word. The best part of my outburst though was that the next 5 months of school, she didn't talk to me at all. Whew. Should have said that to her earlier!

Now, I'm not against prayer. Don't get me wrong. Had this girl said, "Have you prayed for patience?" or something similar, it would have made perfect sense. But to pray for my assignment? Ridiculous. We are called to action. My friends make fun of me now because I still note that I have prayed for world hunger, but it's still there. So people will say to me, "I'm praying for you... and world hunger." If you're praying for something solely and not doing something to better the situation then you're not really praying. Prayer to me involves action.

I also have issues praying for healing. What if God's plan is not for us to heal from a major illness. My husband's grandmother had ALS. She was dying but my mother in law kept saying she was praying for a miracle. Why? Maybe God is trying to teach us about grace in our final days - which is something that Gam was able to teach me. If you pray for healing and it doesn't happen, then what have you learned? That God doesn't listen to your prayer? My prayers always disclose the fine print -

God... if you do not want healing for this person/situation, then give us the grace to deal with whatever it is you want us to learn and open our ears, eyes and hearts so we have some sort of clue about what the heck you are doing.

Honestly... Be Honest

For my graduate program, we had to go for counseling for at least three sessions and write a paper about our experiences. I think it was to ensure we understood life on the other side of the couch or something. But it was a valuable experience. I mean, who doesn’t need counseling?!

One of the things that came up in counseling for me was that I remember every time in my life that someone thought I was lying but I was telling the truth. Interesting. I don’t remember each time that I truly was lying – just when I wasn’t and someone thought I was. I think this says something about my personality.

I actually quit Girl Scouts in elementary school because I said something about living on a farm and one of the adults told me I did not live on a farm. Of course I did. But the beauty of the western PA countryside was that you could see our house from the road, but not the barn or any animals. My aunt and uncle actually missed our wedding because it was supposed to rain the day after and someone needed to stay behind and take in hay. Come on – that’s the epitome of the farmer’s life. But she thought I was lying and as an 8 year old, there was no way I could convince her otherwise. So I quit.

I’ve been thinking a lot about dishonesty because it’s baseball season. I need to preface this by saying that I am not a baseball fan. I cannot call something a sport if you are able to be on the playing field with a big piece of chew in your mouth. So NASCAR is out too. But I digress.

All this hype about Barry Bonds. I just don’t care. And I wish others did not too. He is clearly not telling the truth about his steroid use. The fact that he is not up in arms over it and considering quitting the Girl Scouts because no one believes him is evidence enough to me. He is a liar.

It reminds me of an episode of According to Jim. Jim reflects on how he used to be an athlete and is dared to run a marathon. It’s harder than he thought it would be, so he ducks into a salon and has a pedicure while everyone else is running. He falls asleep during the pedicure and when he wakes up, he thinks he’s been asleep much longer than he really was. So he races to the finish line thinking he’ll be last. But he’s first! He eats up the praise until he takes his shoes off at home and his wife sees his toenails painted red and calls him on the carpet.

See – it’s funny and cute on a sitcom. But in real life? When there’s no laugh track, it’s time to call it quits.

Drama and my Mama

Why are families so complicated? My Mom doesn't speak to her parents and they live next door. And on the other side of my Mom and Dad's house is her younger brother who she also doesn't speak to. So they are a sandwich of fighting family. I was visiting my Grandparents with my boys when my parents came home. Awkward. I think I'm not "supposed" to talk to them. It's not my fight so this gets really really old.

Hubby's parents are divorced so there are two sets of parents involved. Ironically, it is the parent that was bad-mouthed the most throughout his childhood who we have the most fun with. Very interesting dynamic there.

I've been thinking about this a lot since our whole family is now here. We have two boys and we are done. I know my whole immediate family now, which is strangely refreshing. And I have begun to really reflect on how I want to raise my children and the values I want to instill in them. It's tough with families divided. Why can't everyone just get along?! :)

I hope that there is nothing so trivial in my life that I decided to not speak to blood relatives. And I mean that - it's trivial. If it is something you are not willing to hash out just because you are related, then it is a small matter. We'd work through all the biggies because that's what families do.

Ugh. Family reunion next week. More reflection to come - I am sure!

"Christian" + Anything

Why is it that when you add "Christian" to the front of anything, it sounds like a person I don't want to spend time with? I just Googled "Christian Counselor" out of curiousity. I am a Christian and I am a counselor so I have at number of times explored the possibility of going into a counseling branch where I can integrate my faith. But those who are out there already doing it scare the crap out of me. They hardly sound like fun people. In fact, they sound like the people who made me step away from Christianity for a long time.

I went to a small Christian liberal arts college. It was a great school academically speaking, but it attracted a number of students who were hardcore Jesus lovers. Thankfully for me, this was long before the WWJD craze or I think I would have transferred. But I had things said to me that were less than Godly by the God Squad. When my husband and I started dating, I overheard a group of girls talking about how we would never last because he wanted to be a pastor and I was in a sorority. Yet I found God more in my sorority sisters than I ever did in that group of girls. And I think they would be surprised to know that we said the Lord's Prayer at every meeting. I learned a lot more about morality and being yourself from my sorority sisters than those who were supposed to be my "sisters in Christ."

It's that type of mentality that I don't get. You are so closed-minded that you are unable to accept others. You profess that you are out in the world sharing God's love, but you are so afraid of the mainstream culture that you isolate yourself. It's like racists who tan - a total oxymoron to me. I guess that's why I never fit in with those crowds. In college, it hurt. But now I am so secure in what I believe and who I am. Maybe being shunned by the God Squad was for the best.

So I decided, based soley on a Google search that I do not want to be a Christian counselor. Am I a portrait of a new generation or what?

Moral of the story... I doubt I will be adding "Christian" to the front of my job title and I am very glad I didn't name either of my children that.

What do you do?

Have you ever noticed how when you meet someone for the first time, after you exchange names, they want to know what you do? This is always a tough one for me. I suppose it is a tough one for any stay at home parent. You feel that you have to justify what you don't do for some reason.

It's especially hard for me because I do so much. I am a stay at home mom in that I'm here when my husband is at work. But I work a few hours a week as a behavior specialist with other children. So when I'm not parenting my own, I'm off parenting other people's kids. Plus, I teach with an online university. I'm not the primary breadwinner in our family (although I once was), and for some reason something about this bothers me. But it would also bother me if I wasn't here with my kids and they were in day care. Why are we never satisfied?

My prior jobs have included: youth pastor, mall security job, camp counselor, administrative assistant, shoe salesperson, manager at a men's clothing store, executive secretary, fast food employee .... None of these have I ever truly identified myself with 100%. But it seems when you are a lawyer, police officer, or pastor, you are always that - even when you are "off duty. " It's the same with being a parent.

So how do I answer that question when I have so many hats in the air? It depends on who is asking. I guess in many ways I am fortunate that I can pick and choose the answer that works for me at that particular time.

How to Begin

I realized that I really needed a space where I can express myself. And since I have low self-esteem, I'm doing so semi-anonymously.