In her own special way....

My mother gives very interesting compliments to me. The relationship has always been complicated. It has gotten better now that I am a mother. But she still says things that are fascinating.

Yesterday, she said to me, "When you turn sideways you can see that the gym is working."

Compliment?

Yes, until you realize that what she also meant was, "From the front, you're still a fat ass."

I'm glad I don't have a daughter.

Resolution?

A lot of people have been asking me what I hope to accomplish by making the "letters" public. I thought that it would be completely appropriate to answer that here.

First of all, I want to make it clear that I know I took a risk. I opened a door when I told everyone the content of the letters and the complaints raised about me. I could have had 40 other women in my MOMS group come to me and say, "Yea, you moron. Can't pick up birdseed on the way to a playgroup?" But instead, the 40 other women were as disgusted as I was by the content. I was not completely sure this was going to be the case and it was a big risk for me, which is why I tried to lay low for a while. But when I realized that this was not only not my style, but exactly what the author had intended (considering that the last mom who had an anonymous letter written about her left the club), I could not sit back.

At every discussion of the letters I have stated that I do agree with some parts. If I did curse in front of anyone's child, I want to be aware of that. But THEN... not two months later and completely out of context so I have no clue when and where this happened. I've been on guard and have been laughing - I have heard at least five other mothers curse since I have read the letters. Guess it wasn't any of them!

If the author or authors came forward to me, I would be big enough to let it be exactly as it should have been from the beginning - between me and the author. By writing an anonymous letter, the auther made me doubt everyone. And, as a result, I would have to go back to everyone I ever suspected, which is pretty much the whole club, and apologize. I am fully willing to do that. But what is so very sad is that I know this will never happen. Someone who tallies another mother's every move for a month is not the type of person who acknowledges their wrongs - they're too busy tracking everyone else's wrongs.

I am so very thankful for the friends I have found in the midst of all of this. When the letter I had written about my intent to stay in the club was read at the last meeting, those there applauded the line that I was not leaving. I am welcomed. And I am loved.

It is also interesting hearing theories on who wrote the letters. Maybe I'm not the best judge of friendship and I'm too trusting. I really want to believe it's someone I don't know that well who wrote them. But I really doubt that. And that saddens me.

So... a pine cone will hang from my clothesline until the string holding it breaks. I see it multiple times a day. It used to anger me. But now I am starting to smile when I see it. It symbolizes what is most important to someone. Someone out there found that tiny pine cone more important than my health, my kids, my friendship. That pine cone reminds me that I never want to go there.

To my friends... thank you.