Dear Seminary Spouse:

When my husband and I got married over ten years ago, he was a seminary student. I knew going into the relationship that he wanted to be a pastor (and ended up changing his mind, but that's another story). I have been asked many times for advice by those whose partners are entering seminary. Apparently they view me as someone who retained my sanity through it all. Maybe I did, but we also did not attend church for five years after his seminary graduation.

Anyway, there are a lot of things that helped me. I think I should offer them up here.

First of all, be yourself. I know it sounds totally corny, but it's true. Don't fake who you are. If people don't like you in seminary and you have a problem with it, just wait until you are the pastor's spouse. It will only get worse. So be yourself and try to develop some thick skin. Doing it now while in a semi-sheltered environment will be far safer than when the 97 year old church matriarch complains that you keep your spouse out of the office too much.

Set guidelines with the spouse. One of our important rules was that I had a 9-5 job. And so did he. His job was to do his coursework while I was at work. Then when I came home, we could see each other and spend quality time. I did not want to be pushed aside because he had to write a paper. I was done with college.

Seminary students don't realize how good they have it. So what if they need to learn Hebrew. They're not working. All expenses are paid (often by you). Sure, there are financial worries. But which of the two has the time to bring home the bacon? You. So stand your ground. Insist that they learn what the vacuum cleaner is. I'm not saying that you come home, prop your feet up and insist they bring you dinner (although that would have been nice). But truly... if you have not figured out how to work as a team, now is the time. If something needs to be done around the tiny seminary apartment, the person who notices the need should do it if they have the time. Teamwork, my friends.

You are about to embark on a major life change. Nothing from this point forward will ever be the same. And I can't fathom how hard it would be for someone who is "second career." I have a feeling this is why so many of our second career friends at seminary were divorced.

As someone who was the seminary spouse, I can say that it is difficult. People will tell you that you won't make a good pastor's wife because you don't sew your own clothing. Just respond with, "Fuck off." Then they'll leave you alone the rest of your spouse's seminary career.

I don't want to sugar coat it. I don't think I have. It isn't easy. Just hang in there. This too shall pass.